Interview with FF7 and FF8 Part 1
by Akira Majere
Summary: Ah yes, the famous interview story switches Categories to expose terrible secrets of the FF world...


Interview with FF7 and FF8 Part 1  
By Silver Kitten and edited by Akira  
  
NOTE: Squaresoft owns All characters involved not by me. I have just borrowed the characters. ^__^  
AKIRA'S NOTE: Kitten didn't wanna post this under her name, so I'm posting it for her... BRING ON THE FLAMES!  
  
SILVER KITTEN: Welcome to the show! I am Silver Kitten.  
AKIRA MAJERE: And I am Akira Majere. We have decided to bring you this show to ask questions to our guest that you have been dying to know.  
SILVER: Like if they are single or if they have any weird fetishes.  
AKIRA: Or why they are just plain annoying and why do they think that we hate them YOU STUPID WEAK, 'I THINK I LOVE SEIFER' BUT DUMP HIM AS SOON AS THERE IS ANOTHER CHALLENGE INVOLVED!!   
SILVER: Okay! Breathe in!  
(Akira breathes in)  
SILVER: Breath out!  
(Akira breathes out)  
SILVER: Sorry about that! Akira doesn't seem to like Rinoa too much.  
AKIRA: Well I would like her.. Under an anvil!   
SILVER: Onto the first guest. This guy was the hero in Final Fantasy 7 and also won a lot of women's hearts with his cute looks.  
AKIRA: Including yourself.  
SILVER: Shush! Don't you know that we split up?  
AKIRA: Yes. I just though that I would mention it to rub salt into his wounds.  
SILVER: You are mean!  
AKIRA: Welcome Cloud Strife!  
  
(Cloud comes in looking evilly at Silver Kitten. She just smile sweetly and evilly back)  
  
AKIRA: (Sarcastic) Well there isn't any tension here at all. Damn I wanted to use my knife to cut the atmosphere! Anyway so how are you Cloud?  
CLOUD: (Sharp) Fine!  
SILVER: (Mocking) Fine!  
AKIRA: Anyway you here today to answer a few questions. First one who do did you really like in FF7? Aeris or Tifa.  
CLOUD: Well either one was amazing in their own right. Aeris was open and direct  
SILVER: WHAT?! The hussy asked you out on a date not two seconds after she met you. She might as well slept with you there and then. Cheap whore!  
AKIRA: Hey! Aeris is NOT a cheap whore. After all she wasn't the one looking like tart *cough Tifa *!  
SILVER: Yet Tifa wasn't the one who blatantly was a googly eyes for Cloud even though she mistaked him for poor old Zack!  
AKIRA: Hey he dumped her! Aeris had to move on!  
SILVER: With another woman's man?!  
AKIRA: Tifa didn't have any claims on Cloud. She may have liked him but she should have said. Cloud was fair game!  
SILVER: So Aeris knew that Tifa was in love with Cloud yet jumped right on in  
AKIRA: You wanna start something?!  
SILVER: Come on then  
  
(Both girls stand up to each other menacing, ready to fight)  
  
CLOUD: HEY! Isn't this suppose to be about me?  
AKIRA: Your right! I'm sorry!  
SILVER: No I am sorry! No wait Cloud should be sorry!  
CLOUD: Eh?! Why should I be sorry?  
SILVER: Because mister spiky twit, if you had just decided that you were in love with Tifa or * mutters* Aeris, you should have said a long time before.  
AKIRA: Anyway Aeris would have been better for Sephiroth and not your sorry 'haven't got an identity so I'll take my dead friends one' ass!  
SILVER: YEAH! So Cloud why were you so insecure that you took Zack's identity?  
AKIRA: Why does your hair look like a Chocobo's butt?  
SILVER: Why do you look like Popeye's long lost son in FF7?  
AKIRA: He does doesn't he? But they all do except my darling Vincent and Sephiroth. Hey why did you kill Sephy when it wasn't his fault that he was bad. You were picking on him! You bully!  
SILVER: Bully!  
CLOUD: STOP!!! NO MORE!!! (Starts to cry) You see it happened one night when I was younger when I got drunk. Everybody loved Zack and Sephiroth but no one loved me. I was alone and unloved and one thing let to another and I took Zack's personality and hair gel and killed Sephiroth because women liked him more than me! I WAS THE STAR OF FF7 BUT THAT GUY STOLE MY THUNDER!!! WHY?  
AKIRA: Well let's see? He has got long luscious silver hair, killer dress sense, beautiful green eyes, a wicked sword * starts to drool * he is handsome and smart and funny...  
SILVER: Akira, you are getting the desk wet.  
AKIRA: Huh? Oh! * Wipes desk * When do we interview him? SoonSoonSOON?!! PLEASE?!  
SILVER: Not yet at least!  
CLOUD: Why Silver? Why did you dump me for that anti-social Squall?  
SILVER: Umm maybe it had something to do with you calling me Tifa WAY too many times!  
CLOUD: It was a simple mistake! You do have a huge chest like her.  
SILVER: BTW Squall is definitely better than you in ALL forms!   
CLOUD: NO!! I AM THE BEST!! I AM THE HERO!!  
SILVER: Oh! We have someone who is DYING to see you again! Zack come on out!  
  
(Zack comes on out with a buster sword, looking quite threatening)  
  
ZACK: I AM SO GONNA KILL YOU, YOU PERSONALITY THIEF!!  
  
(Clouds starts to run!!!)  
  
CLOUD: MUMMY!!!!!  
  
SILVER: Well hero of FF7 kinda looks weak when he is running away from death shouting for his 'Mummy'! Not such the wonderful hero of FF7.  
AKIRA: I don't care! He killed my luscious Sephy!  
SILVER: Onto the next guest. Some might say he is the love child of Cloud and Tifa, some may call him 'Chicken-wuss' and some might say that he has a unhealthy obsession with hog-dogs.  
AKIRA: Especially seeing as what they put in those things. Welcome Zell.  
  
(Zell comes out stuffing a hot-dog down.)  
  
SILVER: Hi Zell. Still stuffing down hog-dogs.  
ZELL: (Muffled) Yesh! I luvre * gulps down* dem.  
AKIRA: Why do you eat those things? Chicken is much healthier for you.  
ZELL: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!?!   
AKIRA: I didn't call you anything.  
ZELL: YOU CALLED ME CHICKEN-WUSS!!  
SILVER: Uh okay! She said that chicken is.  
ZELL: SO YOU ARE CALLING ME CHICKEN-WUSS NOW?!!!  
SILVER & AKIRA: Okay!  
AKIRA: (To Silver Kitten) He is a little weird.  
SILVER: (To Akira) Move slowly away from the guy. Do NOT make any eye contact!  
ZELL: * Large loud nasty burp * Ahhhhhh!  
AKIRA: (Disgusted) That was.  
SILVER: I think that was his mating call.  
AKIRA: Did it work? * Looks around * I don't see any pigs!  
ZELL: ARE YOU CALLING ME A PIG?!!! I AM GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!!!  
  
(He stands up and starts to punch the air)  
  
AKIRA: (to Silver) I see why Seifer said that he was swatting flies. He looks quite funny.  
SILVER: (to Akira) He looks like a prat.  
AKIRA: (to Silver) You know somethin'? He is so easy to wind up.  
SILVER: (to Akira) What are you thinking?  
AKIRA: MMWWWWAAAAHHAAAA!!  
SILVER: Zell cut it out!   
ZELL: Sorry! I am just a little on edge. You see Seifer has made me this way.  
AKIRA: (to silver) Come on. It's my duty to take full advantage of the situation.  
SILVER: (to herself) Why me?   
AKIRA: So Zell why do you get wound up so easily?  
ZELL: I DO NOT GET WOUND UP!  
AKIRA: Come on! You do too!  
ZELL: I do not!  
AKIRA: Don't be such a CHICKEN! Just admit it!  
ZELL: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!  
AKIRA: I know you are not a PIG! Come on just admit that you get wound up.  
ZELL: WHAT?!?! *gets up and starts punching the air *  
AKIRA: You been eating too many hot-dogs. You have to watch that you don't get PORKY.  
ZELL: AAGGGHHHH *punches the air faster *  
AKIRA: Sorry Kitten for making you PIGGY in the middle.  
(Zell punches gets faster )  
  
AKIRA: Has anybody told you, you have got a SPAM head. *smiles evilly * CHICKENPORKPIGSPAMCHICKENPORKPIGSPAMCHICKENCHICKEN CHICKEN!!!!  
(Zell finally collapses after exaustion from punching way too fast)  
  
SILVER: Great (!) You have killed him.  
AKIRA: Nah, he's just fainted.  
  
(Men come in with stretchers to take Zell away.)  
  
SILVER: * sigh* onto the next guest.  
AKIRA: Hey Zell is waking. CHICKENCHICKENCHICKEN!!!!  
  
(Zell faints again)  
  
AKIRA: Hee Hee! Sorry I couldn't resist. Oh who's the next guest?  
SILVER: OMG!! I can't believe it! Does my hair look ok? Have I got anything in my teeth? Do I look sexy?  
AKIRA: Huh? * Looks at the list * Oh I see! Isn't Squall gonna be mad?  
SILVER: Squall who?  
AKIRA: Well that will be interesting when Squall comes out. Anyway Seifer come out!  
  
(Seifer comes in as Silver Kitten stares at him)  
  
SILVER: Ahhwawawa.  
SEIFER: Nice to see you too babe!  
SILVER: Babe! HE CALLED ME A BABE!  
AKIRA: Get a grip of yourself * slaps her *   
SILVER: Thanks!  
AKIRA: So you were the bad guy in FF8. The mean one. The one responsible for giving Squall his scar. How hard is it being a baddie?  
SEIFER: Not hard at all. Infact my love life has improved dramatically. Everybody loves a bad-boy. I am the James Dean of FF8 except better looking of course.  
AKIRA: Well you do have a bigger head then James Dean!  
SILVER: I have a question for you  
SEIFER: Ask away, Angel.  
(Silver Kitten giggles while Akira rolls her eyes at the sickening flirting)  
SILVER: Why are you so cute? Why are you so lush? Why do * starts to sing * birds suddenly appear. Everytime you are near! Oh and are you single?  
AKIRA: Squall is definitely not gonna like THAT!  
SILVER: I am asking on behalf of the female population. Look at him Akira! He is all man!  
AKIRA: I suppose he is cute. But he isn't as lush as Vincent * starts to drool *  
SEIFER: In answer to your questions, I don't know I was born that way, again born with these looks, I have a way with animals and yes I am single. Want to go for a drink after this show, Silver? * He takes her hand and leans closer*   
SILVER: (Happy) Well.. Wait a minute I can smell cheap nasty perfume.  
AKIRA: Yeah. It's eau de whore'lly. That's Rinoa's perfume!  
SILVER: RINOA?! You've slept with that THAT THAT!!! AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!  
AKIRA: What she is trying to say is how could you sleep with her after she dumped you for you enemy. Why sleep with the SLUTBAGWHORE?!   
SEIFER: When you are hungry for a snack, you don't turn down a hamburger.  
SILVER: WHAT?!  
SEIFER: She was offering it to me on a plate. I would have been silly not to have taken a bite.  
SILVER: GOD!!! I AM NOT TOUCHING YOU AFTER YOU HAVE BEEN WITH HER!!  
SEIFER: Aren't you going out with Squall? Hasn't he touched her?  
SILVER: I didn't go out with Squall right away. It took six months of deep pore cleansing to remove that cow off of him!  
SEIFER: So I will have a shower! Let me love you better than Squall and Cloud put together!  
SILVER: * Sobbing* HOW COULD YOU?!! WITH HER?!  
AKIRA: Now look what you've done! I wasn't gonna do this but  
SEIFER: What?  
AKIRA: I have some very interesting pictures that the audience may like to see. You see Seifer is a bit of a ladies man and bit of a men's man  
SEIFER: So I like the best of both worlds.  
AKIRA: Yes so do I. However I don't sleep with Chocobos and Moogles. So Seifer do you love Chocobos and Moogles orgies?  
SEIFER: (defensively) I don't know what you are talking about.  
(Akira points to the screen on the wall and presses a button)  
AKIRA: Picture one, you and two Chocobos, one of them being male.  
SEIFER: (trying to wiggle his way out of it) I was naked, thinking of Silver and I slipped and I couldn't remove myself from his ass.  
AKIRA: Don't bring Silver into this. Plus you don't look too upset. Infact I think you are enjoying yourself here. You are enjoying yourself in this picture. What happened here? Did you 'slip' into that Moogles mouth.  
SEIFER: Uhhhh.. I can explain!  
AKIRA: And in this orgy. And this.  
SILVER: Tell me did you sleep with Rinoa before or after this was taken?  
AKIRA: I think it was during.  
(She presses a button to reveal Rinoa naked with Seifer in the Chocobo/Moogle orgy.)  
SILVER: Ugh that is so.HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
SEIFER: What is so funny?  
SILVER: That is Cloud's Chocobo.  
SEIFER: And?  
SILVER: Cloud was meant to put that Chocobo down because it had a case of worms, rabies, syphilis, warts and all sorts of nasty diseases.  
SEIFER: What?! *Starts to scratch *  
AKIRA: Does that mean that Rinoa has all of those diseases?  
SILVER: Probably after all she is strapped to that poor sickly Chocobo. Didn't you guys notice how sickly it was?  
SEIFER: I thought that he was playing hard to get!  
SILVER: * Sprays her hand with disinfectant* Oh we have a surprise for you! Come on in.  
  
(Twelve angry Chocobos come in looking at Seifer)  
  
Chocobo leader: WARK, WARK WARK! * translated: Kill that cheating son of a bitch*  
  
SEIFER: Oh SHIT!!!!!  
  
(Runs out followed by the Chocobos)  
  
SILVER: So who's next?  
AKIRA: OMG! Does my hair look good?  
SILVER: What is it? Sephy? Vincent?  
AKIRA: No.  
SILVER: Oh Quistis!   
  
(Quistis come in and sits down by Akira, who nearly passes out)  
  
SILVER: Hello Quistis.  
AKIRA: You're beautiful, should have been the heroine of FF8, angelic, smart, funny.  
QUISTIS: Thank you.  
SILVER: So Quistis, the burning question that everybody wants to know is did you REALLY like Rinoa  
AKIRA: SLUTBAGWHORE!  
QUISTIS: Actually yes. She made Squall come out of his shell, which was something that none of us could do.  
SILVER: But she was annoying! She acted like a 12-year-old.  
QUISTIS: She did have a good heart though.  
AKIRA: WHAT?! YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!!  
QUISTIS: Of course I am not! I hate the trollop! Miss 'Giggly, I think I love Seifer, my back-up plan and then takes my first choice. I was SO close to clinching the Squall deal!  
AKIRA: YEAH! You could have had Squall.  
QUISTIS: He is a seventeen-year-old boy. One more year and he would reached his sexual peak. Then he would have been begging me to be his!  
AKIRA: YEAH! But that SLUTBAGWHORE took him away from you.  
SILVER: Hold on! Seifer was your back-up plan.  
QUISTIS: Well he was eighteen already! And I have my womanly needs!  
SILVER: You do know he has slept with Rinoa and Chocobos  
QUISTIS: Yes. Who do you think was taking the Chocobo pictures? Anyway I introduced him to sex.  
AKIRA: I thought Fujin did that.  
QUISTIS: No I introduced her to womanly love as well.  
SILVER: Okay so the garden was really a den for orgies.  
QUISTIS: Oh yeah, everybody was involved except Squall. I tried to entice him with my whip and chains but to no avail.  
AKIRA: Whips and Chains. Sexy! *Sings in the style of Camptown races * Quistis into to whips and chains, do da, do da.  
SILVER: So really people call Rinoa a whore when really you are.  
AKIRA: Don't call my Quisty a whore!!  
SILVER: I hate to do this but *takes the button and presses to reveal a picture on the wall * Picture one. Quistis and Rinoa.   
AKIRA: NO!! HOW COULD YOU!!!  
SILVER: Picture two. Quistis, Rinoa, Selphie and Elena. Picture three. Quistis, Rinoa and a Chocobo. So you hate Rinoa then?!  
QUISTIS: I hate her because she dumped me. I LOVED HER AND SHE DUMPED ME FOR ANOTHER!!  
AKIRA: YOU LOVED HER!! I.. I..CAN'T (starts to hyperventilate)  
SILVER: Breathe in! Breathe out! You loved her?!  
QUISTIS: How couldn't I. Her milky soft skin, her carefree attitude! She was perfect!  
AKIRA: PERFECT?! RAGE!!! (Passes out)  
SILVER: Great (!) Look what you have done. Oh we haven't got anybody to see you but we have booked you into a clinic. It's a clinic for those who are addicted to sex.  
QUISTIS: I am NOT addicted to sex! Akira, do you want to sleep with me?  
AKIRA: (Wakes up) Huh? Quisty my angel.. (realised that Quistis has slept with Rinoa) HOW COULD YOU?!  
SILVER: I think that is a no! Security!  
QUISTIS: NO WAIT! I NEED SEX! SEXSEXSEXSEX (Men cart her off)  
AKIRA: How could she?  
SILVER: Hey I don't know!  
AKIRA: I am gonna KILL Rinoa!  
SILVER: Aren't we supposed to be diplomatic?  
AKIRA: Screw that!  
SILVER: Don't you find her a little attractive?  
AKIRA: About as attractive as my sick!  
SILVER: Okay! Who's next?  
AKIRA: Irvine!  
SILVER: Come on in!  
  
(Irvine comes in with roses, which he chucks at swooning women)  
  
IRVINE: Hello ladies! You are looking mighty fine today!  
SILVER: (to Akira) I don't trust any man with longer hair than my own and that looks like Brad Shit!  
AKIRA: (To Silver) Long hair is cool! Don't you mean Brad Pitt?  
SILVER: (to Akira) Have you seen him act?  
AKIRA: (to Silver) I see what you mean!  
IRVINE: Hey you guys don't need to fight over me! There is plenty of Irvine for the both of you!  
AKIRA: You are serious?! Don't you find that you have neck problems?  
IRVINE: Neck problems?  
AKIRA: From carrying that fat big head of yours!  
SILVER: Nice one!  
IRVINE: I know you want me!  
SILVER: Yeah, want you to run under a train!  
AKIRA: That was cold!  
SILVER: You liked it though!  
AKIRA: Yeah! So Irvine how long are you planning to stay in for?  
IRVINE: In what?  
AKIRA: The closet!  
IRVINE: I am NOT gay!  
SILVER: And Bill Clinton didn't have relations with THAT woman.  
AKIRA: You love the ladies because you want to be one!   
IRVINE: I am a ladies man!  
SILVER: Ladies man or lady boy? Picture one. Irvine or as he calls himself Slightleigh Moist. Isn't that you with that awful pick and green puffy dress. I thought gay men had taste.  
AKIRA: If he had taste, he wouldn't wear a leather pouch!  
SILVER: Too true. Wait a mo. Isn't that Raijin in that picture?  
IRVINE: Okay I admit it! I am gay and having an affair with Raijin.  
AKIRA: Raijin?! Mister I look like a genie prostitute?  
IRVINE: I'll have you know that look is beautiful! I love Raijin.  
SILVER: I thought Raijin was a pimp.  
AKIRA: Explains his dress sense. Anyway Irvine we have Ru Paul to take you away and give you a makeover.  
  
(Ru Paul comes in)  
  
RU PAUL: (Camp) Come here sweetie! Oh look at your split ends and we need to cleanse those pores and who taught you how to dress. You need help and thankfully I came when I did!  
IRVINE: Ru Paul!! You are my idol!  
  
(They leave)  
  
AKIRA: Didn't you notice how much Ru Paul looked like Kiros?  
SILVER: Well ask him when we interview him. Next is uh shit! You never told me that he would be here!  
AKIRA: Oh you mean Squall! Squall, come on in.  
  
(Squall comes in and isn't at all happy with Silver Kitten)  
  
SILVER: Er.. Hi sweetie! I love you!  
SQUALL: ..Whatever!  
AKIRA: Oh dear, he's mad!  
SQUALL: Well let's see, wouldn't you be mad if your supposed girlfriend cracked onto Seifer.  
AKIRA: Well Quistis would HAVE been my girlfriend if she hadn't have slept with that SLUGBAGWHORE!  
SQUALL: So you see what I mean!  
SILVER: Hey! You have been secretly having an affair with Vincent yet you were drooling over Sephiroth and Quistis so what are YOU going on about?  
AKIRA: HEY I TOLD YOU NOT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THAT!  
SILVER: So you are ashamed then! Vincent she is ashamed of you!  
AKIRA: Hey cut it out! Just because your relationship with mister anti-social is failing doesn't mean that you have to destroy my relationship!  
SQUALL: I am NOT anti-social. I just don't like to mingle with people (Starts to think)  
AKIRA: (To silver) What does he think about?  
SILVER: (To Akira) I don't know. I guess that he is thinking about important things like stuff and us. *sigh * he is so intelligent.  
SQUALL: (Thinking) Cheesy Peas, Please! Hey dirtay! Baby I gotcha money. Marshmallows.aaaaaggghhhh *drooling *  
AKIRA: Squall! SQUALL!  
SQUALL: Huh?  
AKIRA: Welcome back to the REAL world! As this is an interview, I guess we better interview YOU. That is what usually happens during INTERVIEWS. Am I talking too fast for you?  
SQUALL: Whatever (!)  
AKIRA: Okay and that is another thing, if you say 'whatever' during this interview I will hit you with this 'Stupid stick'.  
SQUALL: WHAT?! Are you going to let her do this my sweet Kitten?  
SILVER: OH so NOW I am your sweet Kitten?! You won't get hurt as long as you don't say 'whatever'.  
(Akira hits Silver Kitten with the Stupid Stick)  
SILVER: OWW!!! Hey!  
AKIRA: It includes you too! Nobody can say 'whatever' during this interview.  
(Silver grabs the 'Stupid Stick' off of Akira and hits her with it.)  
AKIRA: OWW!!!  
SILVER: You did say  
AKIRA: Yeah I know! Anyway, first question Squall. Why? Why Rinoa?  
SQUALL: Why not?  
SILVER: That doesn't really make sense!  
SQUALL: Whatever (!)  
AKIRA: Allow me. (Hits Squall with the Stupid Stick)  
SQUALL: AAAGGGHHH! FUCK!!! THAT HURTS!!!  
SILVER: That is the whole idea! (Commercial stylie) The stupid Stick hurts more than a conventional stick because it is made to hurt those with a thick skull.  
SQUALL: (Still in pain) Why the fuck are you talking so fucking ridiculously?  
SILVER: Squall don't swear! That is Cid's, from FF7, job to be a sewer mouth!  
SQUALL: Hey you would swear if you just been hit by that thing!  
SILVER: I was. Anyway it is your fault. How hard is it not to say THAT word just after we told you NOT to?  
SQUALL: What word?  
AKIRA: She means your catchphrase.  
SQUALL: Oh you mean 'whatever'.  
SILVER: I can't do it! Akira, go for it. (Akira picks up the stick and hits Squall with it)  
SQUALL: FUCK ME THAT HURTS!!!!  
AKIRA: (Commercial stylie) Even though it hurts more, the Stupid Stick is still light for the convenience of the owner. It is quick to hit that annoying stupid person with such ease and grace. (She hits Squall again)  
SQUALL: I didn't even fucking say 'whatever'.  
AKIRA: That dear Squally was for being stupid enough to go for Rinoa. However this is for you saying that word. (She hits Squall right in the groin)  
SQUALL: FUCK! (Passes out)  
SILVER: GREAT (!) I can't have sex for a week now! Squall? Squall! Um cut to commercial!  
  
*commercial *  
  
  
RINOA: I am, like, SO pretty. (Giggles) Me and Ellone are, like, SO pretty.  
ELLONE: Pretty! You, like, like my puke green shawl?  
RINOA: We are pretty. Pretty, pretty, pretty. Oh some guy that I can flirt with, stop me from, like, thinking.  
ELLONE: (Smile beautifully) Oh look the wind is going to blow my fragile body down!  
(Akira appears with a Deluxe Stupid Stick)  
  
AKIRA: YOU FUCKING STUPID, STUPID FOOLS! FEEL THE WRATH OF THE STUPID STICK!  
RINOA: Look Ellone! A pretty girl is giving us hard candy. Do you think she would sleep with me?  
(Ellone smiles dimly)  
AKIRA: Rinoa this is on behalf of all those that love to see you..BEATEN that is! (She hits Rinoa so hard that Rinoa goes flying and hands headfirst in a flowerpot.)  
AKIRA: WHORE IN ONE!!!! Now to you stupid grinning gimp. (Akira hits Ellone several times but to no avail) Eh?! Oh your skull is extra thick. This calls for the super duper Stupid Stick! (Gets out new shiner stick) Ellone?  
ELLONE: Huh? (smiles)  
AKIRA: TAKE THAT!! (Smacks Ellone hard, she flies into another flowerpot) HO IN ONE!!  
  
(Take That, old English boy band appears)  
  
TAKE THAT: Did you call? *Sings * Could it be magic now?  
AKIRA: Too many stupid people. Calls for the multi Stupid Stick. (Bring out stick with multiple ends and whacks Take That away.)  
  
AKIRA: Ah that's better! Stupid people getting you down. Annoying you with their gibbering. Do they think that they are smart when they are far from it? Do you wish that you could do something to show these idiots their places? Well my friend look no further because I have the answers to your prayers.  
  
*song *  
  
Stupid people all around  
Making stupid people sounds  
Thinking that they're smart but they are thick.  
So whack them with a Stupid Stick.  
Whack them with a Stupid stick.  
  
AKIRA: Welcome the man that wrote that song. (Man comes in.) That song was (Hits him with the stupid stick) Stupid! Buy the stupid stick today and we will give you a travel stupid stick for whenever you bump into stupid people unexpectedly.  
  
(Cuts to Akira jogging. She bumps into Cloud)  
  
CLOUD: I am the real hero!  
AKIRA: Ugh! Thank heavens for Travel Stupid stick. (Whacks him with it) * Phew * The Stupid stick cost no more than $9.99 from your nearest retailer. Don't hesitate. Buy one today! We guarantee no stupid people can buy these babies either. You have to pass a test before you can buy one.  
  
(Cuts to Squall trying to buy a stupid stick)  
  
SQUALL: I want to buy a stupid stick please.  
ASSISTANT: Okay but first you have to answer some questions. No. 1 Are you stupid?  
SQUALL: Umm. What was the question again?  
ASSISTANT: I'm sorry, we are all out of stupid sticks.  
SQUALL: Right. When will I be able to buy one?  
ASSISTANT: When hell freezes over. When monkeys fly out of my butt. When Michael Jackson becomes black again.  
SQUALL: That soon huh?  
ASSISTANT: Go before I call security!  
SQUALL: Okay. I'll see you next week.  
  
(Ends commercial)  
  
AKIRA: Why do you pick the idiot ones?  
SILVER: I don't know? Why do you pick the ones that have slept with Rinoa?  
AKIRA: Hey she has slept with the guys you like.  
SILVER: She has slept with everybody in FF7 and 8. Well except for Irvine.  
AKIRA: Well who's next?  
SILVER: Now don't get too excited.  
AKIRA: Sephy? Vinny?  
SILVER: .. And get Stupid stick happy but Rinoa is next.  
AKIRA: Rinoa?! * Grins evilly*   
SILVER: What are you doing?  
(Akira is under the desk getting a range of sticks)  
AKIRA: I am getting out ALL of the Stupid Sticks I have for this interview!  
SILVER: Rin-hoe-wa Whore-lly come on out you bitch, uh I mean you slut, uh I mean.  
(Rinoa come out smiling sweetly, which makes Akira puke.)  
RINOA: Hi. I love you guys. You are so funny!  
SILVER: (to Akira) I would have thought that she would hate us.  
AKIRA: (to Silver ) She's stupid. Have to hit her with a Stupid Stick NOW!!!  
SILVER: Akira control yourself. So Rinoa, why do you think people hate you? Why do you annoy the masses.  
RINOA: You see Silver, I can call you that, right?  
SILVER: No.  
RINOA: (Cheery) Okay, Miss Kitten, I feel that I am hated by so many because of the press falsely misrepresented my persona.  
AKIRA: FUCK ME! She said a word with more than three syllables!  
RINOA: Akira, can I call you that?  
AKIRA: No.  
RINOA: Okay Miss Majere, I am intelligent but my intelligence is not portrayed to the masses due to the fact that Squall is the hero of FF8 and he is male. A woman cannot be a hero or be strong and happy in this gaming world environment, hence I am seen as an airhead and so my personality seems to be weak. Whereas Quistis who does have a strong personality, does not end up with the man because her strong personality forces her to be unhappy. We, the female sex are told that we have to be stupid and get the man or if we are strong, we end up alone.   
(Silver Kitten and Akira stare gobsmacked at Rinoa's words.)  
SILVER: (To Akira) Fuck! I am starting to like her!  
AKIRA: NO! CANNOT LIKE HER!!! (Presses button to reveal pictures of Rinoa in orgies)  
SILVER: Aha! You Rinoa are a whore though! Can you explain this?  
RINOA: Yes I can, Miss Kitten. In today's society it is easy to doctor a photograph. All of these pictures are fakes.  
SILVER: Even so. You have slept with * sniff* Seifer, * sniff * Squall.  
AKIRA: MY DARLING QUISTY!!!   
SILVER: And many others except for Irvine.  
RINOA: That is lies. All of those that have CLAIMED to have slept with me are lying. I have proof. Medical proof!  
(Rinoa hands Silver Kitten and Akira a piece of paper, which they read.)  
SILVER: NO WAY!  
AKIRA: WHAT?!! YOU ARE, YOU ARE A..  
RINOA: Yes I am a virgin. I have never slept with Squall or any of those that say they have slept with me.  
SILVER: ButButButBut.  
AKIRA: It doesn't make sense.  
RINOA: The reason why I stopped going out with Squall is because He called to me.  
AKIRA: He?  
SILVER: I think she means Jesus.  
RINOA: Yes, our Lord. He called to me and I follow Him now.  
AKIRA: So this is a religious thing?  
RINOA: Yes! I am married to my faith. My body is untouched by man.  
SILVER: I am gonna fucking kill Squall. He said that he SLEPT with you. I didn't touch him for FUCKING six months because he said he slept with you. Oh well it explains why he wasn't so "experienced". I thought it was because you were a really crap lay.  
RINOA: No. I don't believe in sex before marriage.  
AKIRA: NO I CANNOT LIKE YOU!!!  
RINOA: Oh but Akira, Silver. You-will-like-me. You-will-like-me.  
AKIRA & SILVER: WE-WILL-LIKE-YOU!  
RINOA: Good. Now while you are interviewing people, let them know that Jesus loves them.  
AKIRA: OK!  
RINOA: Goodbye my friends.  
(At this point Silver Kitten and Akira are brainwashed)  
SILVER: Gosh she is nice!  
AKIRA: Indeed. So who do we have next?  
SILVER: Vincent. Lets make sure he knows that Jesus loves him.  
AKIRA: Okay. Brother Vincent, come into the light of Jesus.  
(Vincent comes in )  
AKIRA: So Brother Vincent do you know that Jesus loves you?  
VINCENT: Akira, you are NOT a religious person.  
SILVER: She is now that Sister Rinoa has shown us the true path.  
AKIRA: Lets sings hymns.  
SILVER: Lets go out and tell the world about the good news.  
VINCENT: Akira, my lover. Snap out of it!  
AKIRA: I cannot be your lover until we are married.  
VINCENT: WHAT?! (Reaches for the stupid stick) I HAVE to do this. (whacks them both with the stick)  
AKIRA: OW!!  
SILVER: What the fuck?!  
VINCENT: So Akira do you want us to spread the word of Jesus or go and have rampant sex?  
AKIRA: The word of what? Rampant sex *starts to drool over the table *  
VINCENT: Back to normal!  
SILVER: Is it me or did we say we LIKED Rinoa?  
VINCENT: Let's have a look. (Presses button to show Akira and Silver Kitten a few minutes ago)  
  
SILVER: Gosh she is nice! / AKIRA: Indeed.  
  
SILVER: WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME?! I DON'T SAY 'GOSH'!  
AKIRA: And I don't say indeed! After the show I am going to wash my mouth out.  
SILVER: I LIKED her?! * Shudders * After that I can't do anymore interviews!  
AKIRA: Nope! Neither can I! We just have to do another show. But I do have one question for you Vinny!  
VINCENT: What is that?  
AKIRA: Do you like whip and chains? MMMWWWAAAAHAHAHAH!!!  
  
SILVER: Thank you for watching. We will see you soon.  
AKIRA: Oh yes! We WILL be back!!  



End file.
